Am I A Bitch?

I was telling a friend a story the other day over coffee (ironic, considering what I’m about to share) when I realised something: somewhere along the way, women were taught that being assertive makes you a bitch.

It all started innocently enough. A friend and I were sitting at a café, and a young waitress came out carrying coffees — fingers casually wrapped all the way around the rim of the mug. The rim. Where my actual mouth was meant to go.

And the kicker? She was carrying the saucer in the other hand.

I’m a self-diagnosed germaphobe — I can spot a rogue thumbprint at twenty paces — so in a moment of shocked reflex, I blurted out,

“You don’t carry a coffee cup like that!”

Polite? Maybe not. Accurate? Absolutely.

Immediately, I felt awful. Like I’d drop-kicked a kitten.

When she returned, carrying the next coffee properly on the plate (hallelujah), I made a point to smile and say, “See? That’s perfect. You should’ve been taught that.” A little sugar to go with the salt.

But even as I sipped (thankfully, not that first coffee), I sat there squirming, convinced I was the worst human alive. A Real Bitch™.

And on the drive home, I found myself asking: why?

Why did calmly pointing out a hygiene issue — something a restaurant staff should know — make me feel like I’d committed a war crime?

Why do so many women feel guilty for speaking up?

Being Assertive vs. Being “Difficult”

Growing up, I don’t know about you, but I got the message loud and clear:

If a woman asserts herself, she’s labeled a bitch. A diva. A nag.

Meanwhile, men doing the exact same thing are called leaders, decisive, or confident.

(There are studies on this too — research consistently shows women are judged more harshly for directness than men are.¹)

But here’s the thing: standing up for yourself isn’t rude. Setting boundaries isn’t mean. Speaking facts isn’t a character flaw.

Somehow, though, many of us have been conditioned to believe that kindness means swallowing our discomfort. That being “nice” means being silent.

Spoiler: it doesn’t.

Newsflash: Being Feminine Is Powerful

Now before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, this isn’t a man-bashing session. It’s about perspective — about how we, as women, often judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else.

Take online dating, for example.

I’ve recently decided that if a guy opens with “So, do you come here often?” As in head to the area he lives in, it’s an immediate red flag.

I’m not here for laziness.

I’m all for feminism — but in my world, feminism means celebrating being feminine, not watering it down to fit into a masculine mould.

Being feminine isn’t about wearing pink or fluttering your eyelashes at every passing man (unless you want to).

It’s about embracing the qualities that make us brilliant: compassion, tact, emotional intelligence, intuition.

Strength wrapped in velvet.

We seem to have gotten it twisted somewhere along the line — thinking femininity is weakness.

It’s not.

It’s a power all its own.

You can stand your ground without turning into a bulldozer. You can be kind and assertive in the same sentence. You can be graceful and gutsy all at once.

(And sometimes you can point out a potential biohazard at your local café without needing to write the poor waitress a handwritten apology.)

You’re Not a Bitch for Speaking Up

The real kicker?

The girl probably didn’t think twice about it.

If anything, maybe next time she’ll use a saucer without being mortally wounded inside.

(PS: And yes, I left her a tip. Because guilt — and good manners — are a hell of a combo.)

We need to stop gaslighting ourselves into guilt when we advocate for basic respect, standards, and sanity.

Asserting yourself — your needs, your comfort, your boundaries — doesn’t make you unkind.

It makes you someone who respects herself.

And when you respect yourself, guess what?

Others usually follow suit.

Final Sip

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation replaying it in your head a thousand times, feeling like you were too much, too harsh, too opinionated — this one’s for you.

You’re not too much.

You’re just enough — standing tall, speaking clearly, living honestly.

And if that makes someone uncomfortable? That’s not your problem to fix.

So next time you speak up, whether it’s about a coffee cup, a bad date, or a boundary at work, remember:

You’re not a bitch. You’re a woman who knows her worth.

Now go sip your coffee like the queen you are — preferably from a clean cup.

Reference:

¹ Moss-Racusin, C. A., et al. (2010). “Science faculty’s subtle gender biases favor male students.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 109(41), 16474–16479.